wow, i haven't written in FOREVER.
i was orginally going to get to this, but with all the procrastination, it slipped my mind.

ahh so much has happened.
graduation is finally here, and i'm so glad i don't have to deal with the petty issues of the ignorant high school girls that frankly, can't seem to grow the fuck up.

anyway, i recently learned that sometimes your old friends are the ones that truely matter.
and i love my bff :)
those that stick it out with you no matter what, are the ones that you know are always going to be there.

and now, cheers to the start of a new life.
one that doesn't include much drama or seeing the same people over and over and over again...
eh, i'll continue this tomorrow, it's getting kinda late.

:)

think before you speak.

so im a horrible person, yes i've finally admitted it.
im not sayng it so my friend will pity me & tell me what a great person i am

i say it because its true.

i know i am a good person, but as a good person i have to admit that i am not the nicest person out there.

i say things that can really hurt, & for all those who read this ; i am terribly sorry.
everyone says 'at leaast you say it like it is' but i think i should really keep my mouth shut.

i noticed how far i was taking this when i got upset cause a friend told me 'get over it' when i said something totally harsh to my ex/friend. that's when i noticed i should think before i speak and avoid all these emotions i feel.
yes, i am scorned. but i need to stop letting this get in the way of my life.
i want to get over i but i noticed, i wont until i am out of linden for good.

i just want to get over my past, & keep things to myself.
hopefully things are different tommorow.

grievings of an insomniac.

so im sitting here, eating grapes, flipping from web page to web page because there's nothing better to do.

CSI is on & its almost 1 in the morning.
alot is on my mind.
he is on my mind & i dont know why.

...or maybe i do.

isnt it extremely aggravating when feelings and emotions just sweep over you?
i've been fine the whole day, really i have.

maybe it's cause ive been busy, or because i haven't had time to think.

but its night-time, everyone is sleeping, there is nothing to do but think.

i cant stand it, im thinking about a million thoughts this second & i cant find the right way to explain how i feel. even as im writing this, thoughts are flooding my mind.

im weak & i know it.
i can get over it, weakness is a state of mind ; just like pain.

maybe im lying & i'll NEVER get over it.

i want to yell, to him, to the world.
its no use

no one's really gonna listen, so why bother?

he once told me that it's bad to be alone...

but why be with someone just to NOT feel alone? why can't you just be with someone because they make you happy, because you want them there.

yeah im confusing, but thats life right?

yes.

nothing is ever meant to be figured out on the spot.

its like one of those rubiks cube's, you try for hours just to get every color on the same side.
shit, sometimes you try for hours just to get ONE side filled up.

ugh, i just need some sleep.

tommorow's a new day

there's beauty in the breakdown.

Hasn't something ever gone horribly wrong for you sometimes?
well ever heard that expression, 'when one door closes, another one opens' ?

i believe its true in many ways, i mean people get doors slammed in their faces almost everyday. (and i mean metaphorical doors)

you break up with the person you really love, or you lose a friend, i mean there's dozens of things that happen.

but you learn from every single experiance.

you can be walking down the street & a bird craps on your head.
what do you learn?
shit happens & maybe you should wear a hat.

so getting back on track, every experiance has a meaning.

it makes you stronger.

no matter how much you hurt, your gonna look back and realize that it all made you the person you are today.

i've realized that life is really unfair sometimes, but you can't always fret about all the bad things. but smile over every joke, every stupid moment, and every memory of laughter.

things happen for a reason
sometimes you have to suffer to learn how to be happy.

word.

'stab my back, its better when i bleed for you.'

'you nearly broke my heart, just look at what your tearing apart.'

Yeah, thats how i feel.

Im honestly tired of all the bullshit people bring into my life.

yeah sure i can ignore it, but its hard to ignore coming from someone who has had a pretty big impact in my life.

I'm tired of all the LIES.

dude, seriously just say 'yes, i'm a liar.'
dont bullshit, i'm not fucking stupid.

I really don't want to go into the whole 'detail' of the story, but it's really pissing me off. i guess this is me, venting. why is it always the same old story : 'i'm not gonna change, trust me.' ?
OR, you say you dont lie to me, but honestly, you lie about the smallest shit. how can i NOT be angry ?!

'oh its nothing serious, blah, blah, BULLSHIT'
that indecisiveness is so annoying.

you always do the same thing, you put someone in front of EVERYTHING, & then say it's other people who change.

ughhh, whatever im done.

Friendship

Friends...of course everyone has at least one friend, or more. those people who will stay by your side no matter what, & you can actually feel like you can trust them.

those people, are the ones who hurt you the most. i've recently experianced a loss of some of the most important people in my life (besides family, of course) & i feel like i'm not done losing.

As the end of our high school approaches you finally see which friends are real & which are fake. the important people stick with you, they don't dump you because 'your too much of a best friend'

Can you say ridiculous?

That's how i felt when i got stuck getting basically 'dumped' by some pretentious bitch how i thought was my best friend. i tried so hard to get her to tell me why she changed, but i guess the saying is true : 'things happen for a reason'

I've learned that people rush in & out of your life, sometimes for the better. maybe she was never supposed to be there, & maybe she was never a real friend. i can't keep begging for her to talk to me. and she isn't the only one who stopped being my friend. i honestly don't understand why people can't just say things to a person's face.

Honesty doesn't seem like much these days, & it's a sad thing.

Maybe one day we'll end up being friends....
but that's highly unlikely, by her attitude.